Thursday, January 04, 2007

Shirts past the post

Editor's note: Still going through the old post. I may be some time.

Dear Beautiful People, especially the wonderful, beautiful ladies.

As you know so well, we spend all of the year bringing joy and love to all of you, because all of you deserve it so much. Even the ugly ones with bad hair who sit around all day eating bonbons in ill-fitting leisurewear deserve love. And so we give it to you. From the bottom of our very, very big, manly hearts.

Sometimes this is a great sacrifice. There are mornings when I wake up and it all seems like too much for my well-muscled shoulders to bare bear. Although we may look like a pantheon of demi-gods, we are in fact only a small band of ruggedly attractive men. Or "clan", maybe, (little in-joke there) when we wear our kilts and make the expression that suggests we may be thinking in Gaelic.

Yes, there are times when I ask Pexx, "How can one man emote so much in a single day? Why must we constantly bear bare enormous pieces of our souls in tight-fitting leather trousers and fur-trimmed gilets?" And Pexx will say, "We do it for the love, man. We do it for the love."

As you can tell from the soulful expression in his midnight-dark eyes, Pexx is very deep.

Christmas, of course, is the season of joy and love, and so it's very special to all of us. Every year as the weather gets colder and we sit around open fires debating the tricky question of the appropriate size and placement of a strategically-placed santa hat, we also take time to reflect on the joy and love we have brought others during the year. We're just so full of it that when we start to talk about all the things we did this year, it amazes us just how much love we have to give. It just keeps on coming, with even more ready to give next year.

True, to bring you these incredible feelings of wonder and love, we've had our share of difficulties. There was the baby oil shortage in June. Then 'Zoid got a rash from using the black market stuff. But knowing that every smouldering look brings joy to the hearts of thousands of wonderful women makes it all worthwhile. And it's amazing what a man at the peak of physical fitness can do when he dedicates himself to his mission like us. For example, our emotional range is now even bigger because Deltz has been studying the techniques of Japanese "Noh" drama. Now he can give a detailed synopsis of a 378-page novel, including the epilogue, just by twitching a winged eyebrow.

And talking about dedication, Konan had a really tough challenge in April. He got asked to stand under an arbour with his shirt buttoned right up to the neck. He agonised over it for days, I'll tell you. A lesser man might have given up, or maybe suggested a loosely-laced pirate shirt in transparent linen. But he knew that you, the beautiful, wonderful women of the world, were depending on him. You needed him to do this, so he steeled himself and went through with it like the true hero he is. And, damn if the guy didn't emote as well, if not better, than if he had been in a raging storm wearing nothing but the dramatically flowing cape and thigh-length boots.

Meanwhile this year, Abz and I really dedicated ourselves to our hair. After all, it is our gift to humanity and shouldn't be squandered. There were a few weeks in late August (I think maybe around the 23rd) when the humidity could have destroyed Abz's new tousled waves "au naturel". Things looked pretty bad for a while there, but Abz has real guts. His mind just cut right through the fear and pain like a knife and he took total charge of the situation. It was a tough decision, but he went for an emergency application of liquid silk. You'll all be relieved to know that after a couple of days he was totally out of danger.

As for me, the guys have been really impressed by my determination to introduce volume throughout the length of my hair, rather than just at the crown. But I knew I needed that extra volume and movement to show the full volume and movement of the love I feel for all of you. It's taken some real tenacity to put in the work every day. There were even times I thought I wouldn't make it. But when I was struggling with the safety lock on the volumizer spray, I could feel my love for the guys' hair, and their hairy love the love of their hair right back for me, and I just couldn't let them all down.

And so this is our holiday message to all of you incredible, wonderful people. Especially the sensitive, female ones: Your souls are beautiful and special. You are beautiful and special. You should know this deep-down because we are even more beautiful and special and we have dedicated our lives to sharing our beautifulness and specialness with you. That's right. It's for every single one of you. Feel the love, feel the joy. Because you're special, too. Happy holidays.


Bookwormom said...

LOL :0

fiveandfour said...

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep laughter buttoned up inside when in a place where it would be a Very Bad Thing to laugh? Have you no consideration for us poor, unsuspecting readers?

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself for making me cry is all I can say. (And my abs are a touch sore now, too. Thanks. Thanks a lot.)

Yvonne said...

I LOVE you Auntie Peril!

Beth said...

This is, like, my favorite thing ever. EVER. Well okay - this and pumpkin spice latte. You're in brilliant company.

EvilAuntiePeril said...

bookwormom, thank you!

fiveandfour, I'm very very proud. That's one resolution out of the way, then ;-)

yvonne, I LOVE you too, but clearly not as much as the writer of the letter.

beth, I very much doubt it's possible for anything to be quite as good as pumpkin spice latte (not that I've ever had one of them). But thank you, and thank you for the nice linking thing too.

meljean brook said...

Oh sweet god! I have ruined my mascara laughing. This is a bad thing, because now my little piggy eyes are blurry when I read it again and again.

EvilAuntiePeril said...

Thanks very much meljean. Always good to spread the love...