Thursday, August 03, 2006

A cat can look at a king

In the Kingdom of Argondia, the man with the bushy beard and velvet robe is king. Well, it's not as if he's gonna be Keeper of the Garderobe or a Fuller or something, is it? So all hail King Reon and his mystic wine, fruit juice from concentrate and interior decoration skills. Lesser mortals (ie. not his famous customer, Jimmy Page) who have not visited the Kingdom of Argondia will find it about half-way up Petřin hill.


(ETA: For full Argondian effect, please play Clannad/Enya through the left earphone and Deep Forest through the right one. At a fairly deafening volume - there, that should do the trick)

It's an astonishing experience. What can I say? You know how sometimes in Changing Rooms a designer will go for a "theme". And the surprise of the unsuspecting owners when their previously white-on-pine Scandanavian master bedroom now looks as if TGI Friday's have set up shop in Tutankhamun's aging mistress' bordello? Entering the Kingdom of Argondia creates that level of disconcertment. You can get culture shock walking through the door.

Outside, birds twitter among the trees. Inside, vaguely Celtic-type music (pan pipes, muted female-angel-choir-on-heavy-echo voices that swoop to recreate the sound of leaves on water or some such thing) drowns out footsteps. Outside, timber-framed serenity. Inside, hallucinogenic paintings. Outside sweete lyttle Czech house. Inside, astonishing magic grotto effect, achieved by use of aluminium foil, fairy lights, and not a small amount of plaster. (How'd the elves get it all up that hill?).

Edited to add 2: Outside, leafy nature. Inside, steroid-enhanced demonic Argondian chia pets.

As for the subject-matter of his art, if Reon would be king, it seems his potential pick of queens are all nubile topless beauties with big eyes and the odd fish-tail. As befits the monarch of a magical realm, his courtship is likely to be fraught with peril (heheh), what with those scorpions and antlers growing out of their heads. But no doubt it will be luminous.

ETA: Photos finally added after much agonised perseverence, blogger has been relentlessly uncooperative. King Reon may have greater powers than I suspected. Apologies for their quality and flash issues, but I don't have much photographic ability and it's very dark in the Kingdom of Argondia.

7 comments:

Candy said...

1. What IS this terrifying place?

2. Who the hell is this Reon person?

3. Why, God, why?

fiveandfour said...

It's like...like a...it's a kind of living, breathing stereotype. And a freaky, creepy, disturbing one at that. I thought Portland had taken that kind of thing to a high art, but clearly we're amateurs.

And it all goes to show once again that when you're rich the adjective is "eccentric" and when you're poor it's "crazy".

EvilAuntiePeril said...

Hi Candy,

1. Place is indescribable, new photos may help.

2. According to newspaper clippings in his publicity binder, King Reon lived in the forests of Brittany for 25 years (details a little unclear). At some point he moved in with some travelling druids at which point the visions of Argonia came to him as if in a dream. He has never read Tolkein.

3. See photos. See also A Druid's Compleet (sic) Guide to the Wackier Properties of Belgian Mushrooms, or, How a lonely, yet debonair wizard with a magnificent beard and nice line in crushed velvet cloaks finally discovered health, truth and happiness within the secret dwellings of small blue creatures in pointy white hats.

EvilAuntiePeril said...

...and hello fiveandfour

I can't help having a sneaking admiration for the sort of person that takes an idea like this and goes for it with gusto.

But another part of me gets slightly twitchy in the face of such obsessiveness and resolves firmly never to encounter HM Reon alone or in a dark swamp or anything, you understand.

Suisan said...

Whoa.

Am trying to be more articulate, but am failing miserably.

That's uh, just, well. Whoa.

azteclady said...

Go away for a bit and whoa!!! Look just what greets you when you come back!

EvilAuntiePeril said...

Hi Suisan & azteclady, quite mind-boggling isn't it? Apparently (according to websites) he's done something bigger and better in a series of caves somewhere in France. What a thought.